OLD HABITS:
In spite of everything, I still
Cry when you cry, still wait for your
Cue before taking my own…
Before I dance for the entire world, or
Wear my prettiest dress; I still look your way
Because no one speaks as honest to me as you still do.
In spite of everything, I still
Close my eyes in the dark and walk
With the lights off; arms stretched and strained
To feel every bump, every heart-stopping
Gut-wrenching rise and fall of this rollercoaster
Ride I’m on—just like you taught me
Even now, I still
Wait for you to be the first to appreciate
The way my braided hair falls, to notice when I pay
Particular attention to the style of my dress, the colour
Of my shoes, the sound of my voice when I sing that just-right song;
I still wait for you
To speak first in a crowd, when too much is expected of me
I still depend on you to turn the attention away
But your words are hard to hear
Too weighed down to reach me and the few that do
Can’t hide the way you sway from side to side to
Blurred edges; burnt pages, these dreams of mine.
And it’s strange, how these try-hard but die-hard
Old habits will stick around when nothing else will
And in spite of everything, you still wake me up for
Goodnight kisses though it’s two in the morning,
Still buy me kit-Kat chocolates just to surprise me,
Even tell me that I inspire you to be better as you
Walk away…
And my eyes have never been shut so tight
Arms outstretched to hold fast, every inch of skin on my
Hands connected to feel every bump, every heart-stopping
Gut-wrenching rise and fall, just like you’re teaching me.
And I find that I miss you in the silence
The half formed breathe
That reminds me of the pressing in of your image
When it curved out our lives and shaped who we were.
I miss the heavy weight
Of my heart when it carried you.
I miss whispering secrets
To you, I miss the place where
You and I were who we were and our world
Was a nest made of sunshine and laughter
And inner gales of faithfulness that overwhelmed my fears.
I miss the way we were; the way you held it all so well
And only caved in when my peace was at stake;
I am waiting for the day when we can return to the round table
Where we held our counsel, where we sat in fierce opposition
As you tried to convince me that you truly were the perfect form of the man
And I scoffed at the arrogance of your words,
All the time knowing that in this world that we inhabit
There are no shadows or caves
No questions of reality, this world is made of sunshine,
And promises that never get broken
Light that never stops shining;
This world…is a dream world
Still, in spite of everything, I have more faith in this world
Than all the disbelief in history, I have looked past the glazed
Over light in your eye and beheld the mystery, I have
Confidence in these words:
“That faith is the substance of things hoped for”,
That a dichotomy between dreams and reality is an
Exercise for your imagination,
That there is a reason for every trial and every situation is
A lesson in character formation;
So yes, I cry when you cry;
But I’ve also walked the length of this road
You’ve brought us to, with my eyes closed; arms outstretched
To hold fast, every inch of skin on my hands connected to feel
Every bump, every heart stopping gut wrenching rise and fall of this rollercoaster
Ride we’re on, just like you’ve taught me
In spite of everything, I’m going to teach you that destitution is
A license to dream, my dreaming is the result of faith,
And that maybe you were right, you just might be the perfect form of the man.
Innate Melody:
At the core of my being
Curled up beside the sweetest
Story you will ever lay your eyes on
Tangled in the web of the purest heart
That I have had the fortune to hide inside the cavity
Of my own lies the loudest song that you will ever hear me sing
Like a diamond mine in the middle of a field
This obvious secret hushed up within
The core of my being…
On the outside there’s a beam
Stretched across the length of my arms
Extending and changing my capacity to adore
Showing me how stillness is the very heartbeat of love
On the outside there’s a shaft of light searching out
The shadows that have found their home in my form
Exposing the fearful druids that have governed my life
But pause and hold that thought;
We first met when I was five,
Kneeling face down on the edge of
Not believing you, listening to the
Voices of my mothers
Praying fervently into the night, their faith so tangible I
Found myself swinging in it, back and forth and back again till
I could no more remember not knowing you
And somewhere between the moving neither here nor there
I remember hearing you speak soft in my ear that:
“This nowhere place is a finer dwelling for one such as I
Than there or here will ever be; and music, so much sweeter if I’ll
Dance with you; the colour of life will be sky dawn; fire blaze warm
If I choose you”
When I was ten, you came knocking on my door
The touch of your hand on the panel case of my heart
So familiar I rushed to welcome you in, arms outstretched
And ready to leap into your arms forsake all logic and trust
Your invincible arms to hold me.
When I was nineteen you took on a different form;
Almost didn’t recognise you till you stretched out my arms
Extending and changing my capacity to love;
Would have walked away but you tugged at the core of
My being; playfully stretched my imagination to understand
That you are the song that no one ever taught me how to sing
That the wonder of it all is knowing it still;
At the core of my being curled up beside the sweetest story
I’ve ever told, lies this song.
Rehema.Njambi 